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dear x, Sometimes I wonder if you think of me. I find the things you've given to me over the years. No matter how angry or upset I've gotten, I still have them. Sometimes I display them or wear them; sometimes they reside in the back of my closet. And when I'm feeling brave enough, I take them out and wonder about you. But the times that I wonder the most are the times when I happen upon a note or a letter or something equally small and insignificant on accident. And I wonder if you ever find yourself holding a photo or a note, wondering about me. If I'm happy. If I miss you. If I still love you. We've never been great about gifts or communication, but the bond is still there. We shouldn't be as we are, but somehow it just works. A look, a smile, a hug, a touch -- these things sustain us when we're apart (which seems to be most of the time). I look back and I wish that there were things I could have said, something that would have changed the way that things turned out. Perhaps there was nothing and we'd still be as we are. Maybe one day, the box of gifts -- of letters and notes, pictures and memories -- will be thrown away, no longer needed to remind me of you. Until then, I'll touch your picture and think of you, thinking of me. Love, me Jenn posted at 4:08 AM | |
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We tried to go to Sacramento today. It's 70 miles away, so in about an hour, we should have been there enjoying the state capital. Three Hours Later We were still sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for no apparent reason. We had crossed the bridge and we still just moving at a snail's pace. I was getting frustrated, so Dad suggested we exit and go back home. There was a shopping mall and an In-N-Out Burger off the exit, so we did just that. In those three hours, we only managed to go 20 miles! Needless to say, we never made it to Sacramento, though I hope to soon. Jenn posted at 2:18 AM | |
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My throat is sore and I probably won't be able to talk tomorrow, but it was SO worth it! We missed the first 15 minutes of Barenaked Ladies because we were stuck in traffic, but they were definitely awesome. I never really thought that BNL and Alanis had the same audience (and it was clear as people left during Alanis's set that they weren't). I had forgotten how much I really enjoyed BNL and how many of their songs I actually know even though I don't own any of their albums. Alanis was fabulous. She came out to sing with them on their encore before the break which was really neat ;) Like Sarah, Alanis is a singer/songwriter that really shaped my teenage experience. While Sarah helped me get through the pain of loving someone who doesn't love you back, Alanis helped me realize that perhaps the problem wasn't with me and that it was okay to be really, really angry about it. She was just rockin' tonight and I was screaming my head off and having a great time. My first week here has been quite good and I hope that will be the trend for my two year tenure here. I got a new cell phone number today so if you didn't get an e-mail from me with it, let me know. Jenn posted at 3:28 AM | |
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I woke up to a power outage today, so even though I wanted to get an early start on the day, we didn't end up leaving until about 1pm. Oh well! We drove to Santa Cruz, one of my favorite places in Northern California. We ate in "downtown." I use quotations because it's about two blocks long and two blocks wide and just about as small town-ish as you get. It's quite cute, but I don't really think I could live there. We went on a driving tour of UC Santa Cruz, one of the schools l looked at when I came to NoCal for the first time last year. First stop, of course, was to the bookstore for merchandise. They didn't really have a good selection of long sleeved shirts. I liked this one alright, but they didn't have it in my size. So I opted to just get a pair of cheer shorts and a stuffed banana slug. We went to the lighthouse and watched surfers ride the waves on their boards. There were sea lions on the rocks which I was happy to see and hear. Then it was boardwalk time! I had a steady diet of hot dogs, ice cream and funnel cake to get me through all of the walking, rides and shopping that was to be done. We left about 9pm after the sun went down. It wasn't as hot as the commercials on Channel 6 made it seem, but it was definitely an enjoyable day. I wish I would've found UCSC when I was a freshman because I think it would have been a good fit for me. Unfortunately, my transfer stuff just wouldn't work with their requirements. Jenn posted at 2:38 AM | |
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My mom was telling me about an article she read saying that our generation is the most intouch generation. We all have cell phones with text messaging and voice. We have IM with instantaneous communication capabilities and the away message which we can use to leave our whereabouts, so people always know where we are. We have blogs where we detail our lives and quandries and queries with comment features so that we can talk to each other about those issues. And that's true. I feel very connected to what's going on with my friends even if I don't see them or even talk to them on a regular basis. Rachel and Tyler are online right now, but idle because they went to sleep hours ago. Adam had a good first day at his new job and is settling into his apartment. Erin is finally divorced. I know all of these things because of IM, blogs, e-mail, etc. But sometimes all of that "in-touchness" can lead to strangeness. Yesterday, I was sitting at the table eating a Rice Krispie treat for breakfast and generally going about my business online when an Instant Message pops up. From Lauren. Who I haven't spoken to in about 4 1/2 years. I had randomly added her back to my buddy list when I was feeling nostalgic and found her old (?) webpage with prom pictures, etc from high school. Apparently, she was at her parents' house in Williamsburg and randomly signed onto her old screen name. Those two random events led us to have a seemingly normal conversation about the weather and other assorted safe topics. At first, I thought that she had probably IMed me by mistake, like she did to Rachel one time. But no, she not only knew it was me, but had read my blog to know that I was moving to San Francisco. Not ten minutes later, she had to go and vanished from my buddy list with sound of a slamming door. I sat there wondering what had made her decide to IM me. We literally haven't spoken or even IMed since the summer after freshman year. We grew apart (that's the polite term for it) when she joined a sorority and I started talking shit about her to some mutual friends who also didn't like her personality change. The gossip that I hear tells me that there have been more than just personality changes that have occured since college, but we didn't really get a chance to cover that. I sometimes wonder about her and what she's doing. When I was home for Anna's recital, I found a note that she wrote to me before I went to Texas for college. She promised that we'd always be friends and that she didn't know what she would do without me. In her precise script, I read a page of what would become unintentional lies. Our friendship wasn't strong enough to endure college and drinking and sororities and depression. We had sleepovers and two hour long phone conversations. We shared a notebook and wrote notes in class about boys and teachers and homework and classes. We sang in choir together and took the same classes. We shared a locker mirror and lent Tampax to each other. But in the end, we aren't friends anymore. Once we went our separate ways, we were just too different to have anything in common anymore. People say that relationships, including friendships, take work. And I'm sure that's true. But I don't feel like I have to work on my friendship with Caryn or Kristin or Katie or Adam or Chris. It just exists. I don't have to have long talks every day with Anna to know that she'll be there for me if I need her. She sent me flowers to congratulate me on moving into my apartment -- just because. I can go months without talking with Eugenia or Rachel and we'll pick right back up where we left out. Why do some friendships fail and others succeed? Both parties obviously have to want it to succeed, but how much time do we really spend maintaining our friendships? Between classes and work and significant others, rent and bills and grocery shopping, there's not a lot of time in our lives to spend cultivating a friendship. And life is only going to get busier as we start getting married, having kids, having those "real" jobs (some of us already have them) and dealing with the "adult" part of our lives. I guess I just have to hope that we're all going through the same thing and that whatever has kept us together for the past ten years (more or less) will continue to do so. Jenn posted at 3:40 AM | |
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Today was a fun day for us. I slept late (so what else is new?), so we got a late start on the day. We decided to put off doing apartment stuff (like hanging pictures, etc.) in favor of doing something interesting, and more importantly, outside of the apartment. We headed to Berkeley or more specifically, UC Berkeley. I was hoping to catch some great protesting action, to really feel like I was there in 1968, but alas, it was just summer session on a college campus. It's a gorgeous campus and I felt appropriately out of my league. We stopped at the bookstore, so that I could purchase a t-shirt for my collection. I wanted to get a pair of cheer shorts to go with it (my newest collection), but they were $36! Um, no! We then drove up through San Rafael and across that bridge. I've now been across all but one of the Bay Area bridges. Not bad for someone who hates bridges, if I do say so myself. We stopped in Corte Madera to shop. I finally got a trash can at the Container Store. The fog was so thick on the drive back to the city that while we were on the Golden Gate Bridge, we couldn't see the top of the tower. Craziness! Tomorrow we are going to Santa Cruz. I want to show them the lovely UC Santa Cruz campus as well as the great town. Besides it's 65 cent night at the boardwalk, so you can't go wrong ;) Jenn posted at 2:56 AM | |
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We arrived in San Francisco on Wednesday about 10pm. We unpacked the car and pulled the suitcases out of the truck (which we had to park on a hill), inflated the air mattresses and went to bed. We got up about 11am to move the truck in front of my building and start unloading. We finished unloading all of the furniture and boxes about 5pm, just in time for the fog to roll back in. We had dinner at the Chinese restaurant across the street, which is fabulous. I picked up a take out menu, so I'll definitely be ordering from there quite a bit. We've spent the past few days unloading boxes and putting things away. The boxes are mostly gone, though some of the contents of the boxes are still on the floor in the living. Once I get all of the stuff put away, I'll post pictures of the new apartment. It's actually starting to feel like my home now. I signed up for classes on Monday afternoon. I got wait-listed in the PoliSci class that I wanted to take to start my minor. So I signed up for an English class as well. I'm thinking about minoring in English instead. My schedule is pretty good despite my late registration time: American Literature 1860-1914 MWF 9:10-10:00am Western Civilization I MWF 11:10-12:00pm Historical Analysis Seminar T 4:10-6:55pm Presidential Election Lecture Series W 6:15-8:55pm Biography of a City-New York TH 4:10-6:55pm The PoliSci class is MWF 10:10-11:00am, so that would make for a long morning, especially with the night class on Wednesday. I'm not ready to give up my wait-list spot, but I'm not sure I want take the English and the PoliSci class. 17 units might be a bit much for my first semester, especially with my upper division seminar where we have to write a paper every week. So that's life here at Diamond Heights. I've been trying to catch up on blogs and LJs and message boards, but it's been slow-going. Apparently, the world does keep turning and life keeps moving on, even when I'm without internet service ;) Jenn posted at 7:45 PM | |
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I started blogging not long before I moved to this town and now I'm going to leave it. I'm getting a little misty over here, but perhaps that's from the smoke of the latest forest fire. I leave you now with a little comparison. The photo on the left is from May 2001 when I first arrived in the City of Angels. The photo on the right was taken yesterday as I took a break from packing to leave LA. I'll see you on the flip side with lots to report!   |
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Here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well. Here's to the night we felt alive. Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry. Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's going to come to soon. "Here's to the Night" by Eve6 Well, Kim and I packed up my kitchen for the most part and took care of most of the living room. My bedroom is still a disaster area, but I'm sure mom and I can take care of that tomorrow and Tuesday. I've got the cable disconnected on Wednesday and the power too. I have to call the insurance company tomorrow and the phone company to take care of those little issues, but I think that should be it for turning things off in LA. When I woke up yesterday I was sure it was Monday. Now that it's Sunday, tomorrow doesn't feel like Monday. Maybe that's because I'm not going to work tomorrow (or ever again). It still hasn't really hit me that I'm not going to see my friends again and that in three days, I don't live here anymore. Jenn posted at 12:06 AM | |
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I just got Adam's new contact info e-mail and it made me think. This summer is the summer of moving. I'm moving to San Francisco from LA. Kristin moved from her parent's house to Pentagon City. Katie's moving from Burke to Chicago. Adam's moving from Atlanta back to Fairfax. Bethany moved across town to be closer to school. And those are just the people I can think of off the top of my head. It doesn't seem quite so scary, this moving thing, because I'm doing it "with" you guys. Sure, I'm 3300 miles away from everyone except Bethany, but we're all doing the same thing. Sorting through piles of stuff, packing up boxes, loading up the truck, going on the next adventure in our lives. Okay, progress update: Boxes packed -- 10 Boxes to go -- ??? Hours till Kim shows up to help -- 2 Time spent procrastinating -- Heaven help us all! Jenn posted at 3:59 PM | |
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I should be packing. That's the theme for everything I do that's not packing. I'm nowhere near where I need to be. But I'm blogging. And sending out e-mails. And watching Ocean's 11 on TNT (which I think is the fucking awesomest movie ever). And reading Kristin's blog. And paying my bills. But I should be packing. Kim's coming over tomorrow to help me and I want it to look like I've actually done something by the time she gets here. It's an unusual thing for me. But I've actually been out there living my life, instead of blogging it. I know it won't last. But it's been fun anyhow.
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Thanks to Caryn and Kristin for the photos from Bickley's wedding! It looks like a good time was had by all. And Caryn's got more pictures of Dave smiling than I think I have from all of high school ;) Jenn posted at 3:30 PM | |
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I added a few new blogs to my blogroll yesterday and reorganized my elsewhere page. I especially identified with this statement by this fish. Actually, the whole concept of her blog appealed to me, but this struck me particularly: And I can’t help but feel that in some way, too much honesty here only serves to add unnecessary conflict to my relationships with those of you who know me outside of my Fish persona. But I guess that’s the consequence we face, writer and reader alike. I feel that most days, my blogging has become mundane, boring and repetitive. I would like to think that I am witty and charming, but I know, in my heart, I simply am not. I feel like I have to hold back sometimes because my regular readers are not only my friends, but my parents, work colleagues and other people who may know me in real life that found my blog through any number of searches, including my last name. I believe that most, if not all, of us censor ourselves in day to day life, letting those around us see what we want them to see. The people at work do not know of my struggles to live on my own, my panic attacks in Texas or the tragedies of the "why won't our friends stop dying on us?" times (tm Adam). And that's the way I like it. While I'm not necessarily ashamed of any of those elements of my life, they are not ones that I bring to the forefront when getting to know people. And like those things, there are times and thoughts that I have in my life that I wouldn't want people at work to know or my friends from Virginia or my parents or family to read about. So I censor myself. And I feel a bit sad. Because I'm not presently an honest picture of myself and my life. It's not all "laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time!" (Friends, TOW The Yeti) Perhaps that's not even the picture I present. There are things I want to say without them coming back to bite me on the ass. There are situations and people I want to talk about without worrying that those people will read them and judge me or hate me or ridicule me. Perhaps those things should be kept to my personal journal. And so far, they have been. But I don't like having to separate the two. There are times I want to put something out there in the universe so that it is released from me. I know that in putting it out there, one of the consequences is having people read it. People who know the people I'm talking about. People who know me only in a certain way. Perhaps the restrictions I've imposed upon myself are unnecessary. Maybe I've misjudged the intelligence and maturity of those who know me and read my blog. There's a chance they wouldn't read what I've written and go straight to the person I've written about, telling them what I've said. Conceivably, they wouldn't think of me differently, talk about me behind my back or question me about what I've written. But my gut says no. In fact, there's probably people reading this right now who think that I've aimed this at them. But it's not. If anything, it's only aimed at me. I want to be courageous enough to be completely honest with myself in my writing. I want to be bold when speaking among friends to say what I really mean without fear of ridicule. I want to act like the adult I purport myself to be in real life. Jenn posted at 6:38 AM | |
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It's 2:45am and I am still awake. As I am preparing to be a college junior, one would think that I am merely "method acting" the part. The fact remains that I have work tomorrow at 8am. My alarm will be going off at 6:30am, much to my chagrin. But here I am -- awake. My mind refuses to shut down. I'm castigating myself for not getting more work done this weekend. I didn't clean the bathroom or get any laundry done. I packed a few more things off my bookshelves, merticulously recording them on my "packing list." My apartment continues to remain in shambles as if there has recently been an earthquake or at the very least, some sort of crime scene investigation. The truth is I'm overwhelmed. Everywhere I look there are piles of bills and magazines, clothes and picture frames begging to be wrapped neatly and placed into boxes and I haven't a clue where to start. Some of my coworkers have volunteered to help me pack, but I wouldn't know how they could help me. Somehow in the next few days, I have to devise a system of throwing away things I don't need ever again, packing the things I will need in the new apartment into boxes and throwing the things I will need in the meantime into a suitcase or bag that will go in my car. There are dishes and silverware that need to be wrapped up somehow and the contents of my pantry catalogued and packaged. I need to make a run to Goodwill to drop off some clothes/shoes/etc that I don't want to throw away and yet don't need to take to SF. In the past two years, I seem to not only have acquired new furniture, but a lot more crap as well. I have more clothes than before and yet I will have to buy a new wardrobe to suit the climate of my new location. I seem to have more knicknacks and scraps of paper that I just have to keep. I have too many pairs of shoes (of this I am sure), but I cannot bear to give anymore away. It's just too much to think about, to envision that every single item, small and large that falls within my gaze at this moment must fit into a box and into a 15' Budget Rental Truck next Wednesday. It just doesn't seem possible at this time. I feel burdened by things. Not so much the things themselves (though carrying all of those boxes of books up the stairs is going to suck), but just their numbers. Perhaps I am trying to do too much at once. Trying to live here while packing up said life. Working while trying to sign up for school. Trying to get ulitilities turned on while submitting a change of address on the current ones. On my floor, I have an half-unpacked suitcase from my last venture to San Francisco. The clothes inside are clean, but not put away. I have handouts and calendars from Advising Day and Orientation, littering the floor of my bedroom that have somehow not made it to the folder in my file cabinet where they belong. My desk is littered with empty glasses, unpaid bills and hairclips that haven't found their way home. My natural inclination is to organize, but I feel stymied at this juncture, trying to plan my life in advance of what I will need and what I can pack away. Should be an easy task, one would think, but my mind runs too frequently on "what ifs?" On my desk chair, I have photos from my years at ASP that my mom brought me. I won't be attending the ASP reunion, but I thought I would send a small photo collage and some remarks in my stead. I ignored them all week in favor of mindless pursuits on the internet after staying out too late with Kim and/or Janice. I'll get to it this weekend, for sure.. Well, the weekend has come and gone and I still have nothing. I found a short statement I wrote for my English 2 oral presentation at SMC that I may adapt to something a little more intelligent, should I actually take the time to do something. Instead of writing all of this, I could be packing, since sleep is not coming tonight. But I'm writing. Jenn posted at 5:50 AM | |
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I just gave myself a Parafin wax treatment on my hands. I'm blogging while I wait for the wax to remelt and cool so I can use it on my feet. I don't know if it's just the power of suggestion or if it really works, but my hands definitely feel smoother and softer than before. I don't really baby my skin at all, so I thought I'd take a second and do a little home spa thing. Pamper myself a little as I keep trying to pack up my life and catalog it all. I checked the Class Schedule today and the ballet class I wanted to take has already filled up, but I found another class that combines dance principles with pilates that takes place at the same time. So I've put that on my tentative schedule. The rest of my classes only have a few seats taken, so I feel pretty good about that. It's so hard to just sit and wait until my registration day, but I guess I really have no choice. Jenn posted at 12:50 AM | |
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So, I've been Googleing and using the Wayback Machine to reminisce (something I think I do too often) and think about things. I re-read Why my friends sucked....(past tense...sorta) and even though I saw Kristin last night, I still felt the sting behind her words directed at me through veiled acusations that took place long, long ago in a place far, far away from where I am now (both literally and metaphorically). I found Lauren's old (??) page, which seems to have been updated some, though it still contains prom photos and 90s HTML skills. That took me back a bit. She looks like the same person I was such good friends with in high school, but she's just a totally different person now. Strange how that happens. I don't feel any differently and yet, I'm sure other people would say that I've changed. I have quotes that I've collected through the various incarnations of everyone's pages, so I'm going to post them now: |
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Happy 4th of July!!! Wow, this has been a whirlwind trip to the Bay Area and I can't believe it's almost over! I'm officially a resident of San Francisco, having signed for my keys to my brand new apartment on Thursday! Mass e-mail with new address and phone number (once I get it) forthcoming. So far, no luck finding a couch, but we'll be looking at a few more furniture stores tomorrow. Being that this is the Bay Area, the fireworks show was a little disappointing. Fog rolled in over the bay mid-afternoon and just didn't let up. We gave up trying to find a place to park down at the waterfront in favor of going to my new apartment to lay shelf paper. After that little adventure, we decided to head back to the hotel to watch the fireworks on television. The San Francisco display was abbreviated, but we were able to watch the San Jose, Boston, New York and DC fireworks which were much clearer. I get to hang out with Kristin tomorrow, so that rocks! I have to go back to work on Tuesday, which sucks. I guess you can't win 'em all ;) Jenn posted at 1:37 AM | |